Thursday, October 30, 2008
Its with extreme helplessness that I write this blog.I wanted some place to give full vent to all those downbeat feelings,I've been trying to suppress for sometime now, however silly and stupid they may seem to be.
As the most molly-coddled kid of the house, I grew up with all the affection and attention there was,with every little thing fussed over.And... I liked it.Who doesn't anyway!For the first time in my life, I experienced what it was like to be suddenly thrown out of the spot light when the toddler next door invaded our home with his tiny presence. Since then things have not been the same. My twenty years of unrivaled monopoly had come to an abrupt end.Kapil- yes he is the source of all chaos. Everything was fine and flowery until he came into my life.
Kapil is a year and a half old, lives next-door, away from his busy-working parents, with his grandparents. I should admit to the fact that he is a totally charming child.He could barely walk when he first entered our house and now he speaks a few meaningless words.Obedient, sweet, a tad shy, smart and a little naughty, he is every bit an adorable child. Spend some time with him, and he'll sweep you by your legs and throw you overboard with his mysterious childish charms. And that was exactly how my parents fell. He wove his magic around them when I was away in college,oblivious to how he took the starlight from me.
It was to my mom he first looked up and called 'ammmaaa' and you know she was sortta ...overwhelmed.And so was my dad.Kapil liked our home, for he was not held back for anything.He started staying in our house overtime, going back to his home only when forcefully taken when it was bedtime.When at our home he would run little errands for my parents like fetching the mobile every time it rings, putting back the empty coffee mugs in place, emptying small cups of water to the plants in the garden, selecting evening clothes for my mom so on and so forth.He would see them off with a wave and a kiss when they leave for work and jump in excitement when they return.Initially, I should say I actually liked it very much to watch my parents play with him, talk in sugar- sweet tones, exaggerating little things.It was cute watching them lose their adulterous ice and defense for a small kid.
It was the last time I went home that I understood the real gravity of the situation. Things had undergone a paradigm shift.He claimed all the priorities that had earlier remained in my domain alone- from getting the first morsel of food, getting to flip to his favourite channel, getting the biggest chunk of chocolate, to getting to oil massage my father's head.He sits on my mom's lap and falls asleep on my dad's shoulders. He took it all from me. I was no longer the coddled KID of the house.I was not getting my daily dose of attention.Maybe I would've looked like a grown-up responsible adult beside Kapil's petite presence.Whatever happened to the famous parental vow 'Kids remain kids' all their lives!
Now It even infuriates me to watch him rightfully hail my parents 'amma' and 'appa'. No one could possibly guess,beneath my cool facade, there was a sizzling fire of jealousy and possessiveness.I wanted to be pampered and cuddled.I wanted to be fussed over for little things.I wanted to claim my parents all for myself, not wanting to share their priceless love with anyone else. Only a well-formed ego kept me from from voicing these things out.Or maybe I'm just afraid I would sound silly.
As a child I'd always wanted to grow up fast- to be a big girl, to be able to go ahead and further my secrets ambitions. I wanted to smell the sweet air of complete freedom and chase the rainbows I'd looked unto. But now, here I'm ready to trade all that for a small place on my mother's lap and for the comfort of falling asleep on my father's shoulders.
It does feel great watching my parents grow young in spirits once again.They get to laugh more, they have someone to look forward to after a day's hectic work, they found a solace to ward away their boredom. Kapil had carelessly spread his innocent smiles across their lives. Whatever said...how I wish they could hear the stubborn child in me crying for their undivided attention!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
I was walking through my college avenue after class(es) yesterday, along the long wet, rain-drenched road.Rain had just stopped and a dripping sun showed its helpless face before taking refuge behind the smoky clouds.I could inhale the silence in the air . The whole place wore on a fresh shade of green after a nice long shower.I walked on slowly, aimlessly as I always do.And I love walking, call it sauntering.
It was one of those days when you feel strangely happy, blissfully content. There was a nameless excitement in the air that hung around me. I didn't know why, couldn't point out a reason.But I didn't want one anyway for I don't like reasons , at least for all the good things in life. When one searches for a reason behind a joy it becomes ephemeral-short-lived. Like someone? like them for the person they are, completely, rather than for a reason, for a personalized opinion.Studying for reasons.. for grades, for peer respect, for career prospects, it feigns the very idea. Study, for the pure pleasure of learning itself, to explore, to know, to get fascinated.
I walked on trying to make out weird shapes in the looming clouds above- a deformed tortoise and a malformed crocodile. Little terns chasing the grazing cows around, a pup that was blissfully asleep , the last drops of rain holding on to the yellow flowers on the trees as if unwilling to part, little puddles of water, two school going kids with over sized bags,I wanted to indulge in everything I saw. The smell of fresh, steamed corn suddenly invaded the cool air and it was intoxicating. And I succumbed. Taking juicy bites off the heavenly corn, I walked into the lonely eastern road that lead straight to hostel.And when I reach there. these few blissful moments I had by myself will end amidst the life and chirping inside the place.
With every passing moment,with every step I took I missed something I liked so much. It was trivial, nameless and strange but still I missed it.I felt helpless letting such precious moments slip by like sand past your fingers. I felt myself switching mode from strangely happy to helplessly sad.
May be this is how humans are... we refuse to let go, trying to hold on to precious things, precious moments, precious ones. We fail to accept that only the prospect that joy is momentary keeps it alive and beautiful. When everything is joyous and nothing is not-so-joyous, then joy in its version doesn't exist at all. We would let go when the moment is infiltrated and lived completely. Those who let go of their loved ones are those who know they have loved completely.Those who embrace death bravely are the ones who know they've lived life completely and the death itself gets meaningful.I kept walking.
Diwali is around the corner and soon I'll be royally landing at home.Home- that beautiful place with a grim n loving father, mother.. all excited with her repertoire of festival dishes which she is waiting to share with me, those little fishes in my tank that keep constantly blowing airy kisses at me, freshly pruned garden waiting for my inspection, lively neighborhood, yes I'll soon be there.I had plans.. I'll show dad he needn't be so grim with an unexpected hug,approve those tantalizing dishes with a wink, empty a generous pinch of fish food inside the tank for a few extra kisses,steal a few flowers off the garden and get updated on the recent gossips. I'll walk on this road, it will lead me there. As moments flit by, I take more steps ahead...I'll soon be home!